Cupid: The Stygian Flood
by Atomdancerrr
Summary: When Cupid the god of love copes in a perfectly sane way with the plumbing problem from Hell, his Friends and Shrink start to suspect there may be more to Trevor Hale than madness. Extremely funny without any wobbling. A little wisdom. A lot of Love.


Author's note. Youtube has the original show and the new show can be watched at ABC's site. Google it.

The Stygian Flood

By

Elizabeth Hensley 8-)

Jaclyn started giggling so loud Claire ran out of the office to see what was so funny. Jaclyn handed her the phone. She was almost in hysterics. Claire took it and asked, "What's going on?"

She heard, "The god of Love will be a little late for his session today because his toilet is backing up."

The therapist could hear the exasperation in his voice. She couldn't help giggling back and forth with Jaclyn who was fanning herself and rocking with laughter. "Try zapping it with a lightning bolt." she suggested.

There was a rather loud sigh on the other end. "Claire you KNOW I can't, besides I don't think that would help. Where is the confounded plunger? It's Champ I want to zap with lightning bolt but I'll settle for shorting his sheets. If I could have found the plunger I wouldn't literally have crap all over the floor and the worst of it is, I am quite sure it's not all mine. I didn't eat peas. There are _peas _in this poop. I wanna go HOME!"

"Try to get here for your session."

"If I don't get this cleaned up it is going to leak through the floor and end up in Mrs. Abernethy's bathroom. I don't think she'll like that and it could break our lease."

Claire couldn't resist, "Trevor 'Cupid' Hale, if you miss a session for no good reason I'll have to report you to the board! They will take you back to the hospital."

"Claire, I am not even going to raise my voice. I know you won't and you know I know you won't. Have some mercy! You are supposed to be relieving the patient's emotional distress not adding to it."

"You are just across the street so I'm coming over. We can finish your session over dinner. Yesterday's."

"Very funny and also very kind. But I have to get this cleaned up. A god's gotta do what a god's gotta do."

Galoop

"Hey! Oh no! There's more! It's not just coming from us. I may have to evacuate. I don't think even a mortal could handle this." The god of love ranted and raved into the phone in a very unloving manner for several more minutes while trying to mop.

Claire appeared at the door a few minutes later, "You know yelling in fury into an empty phone is a sign of psychosis."

"I thought you were still on the other end. My family must REALLY be enjoying this! I know its Vulcan. I just know it is! He's up there right now laughing his head off and high fiving Medusa. It serves me right I suppose. I used to call him Limpy. That was mean. But, hey, I was only a 500 years old, just a kid and I didn't know any better. He shouldn't hold a grudge this long."

Claire went into psychiatrist mode, trying to bring her delusional patient back to reality. "Trevor toilets back up all the time. I don't think the gods did this to you."

He shook his head, "I'm not so sure! You don't know us like I know us. We can be vengeful and you know that revenge is a dish that is best served cold. I've been on Earth for two years now, just long enough for a lot of revenge to be nice and cold and I may start receiving hearty platters of ice cold vindictiveness at any time."

"Trevor be careful! Don't let your attitude towards the situation you are in deteriorate down into exogenous paranoia. I've worked with you long enough to know it would be exogenous paranoia not psychotic paranoia because to you 'the gods' are your secondary persona confabulated family memories and religious belief structure not a hallucinatory psychosis, but for any mental health expert who hasn't worked with you for a while it would be extremely difficult to tell the difference and it could result in you being unnecessarily forcibly medicated again."

"Claire can it with the psychobabble! Grab that other mop in the hall closet and for once in your life do something really useful!"

She grinned, "I mean try to think positive. Put on your happy face and smile, smile smile. It's mentally healthy!"

"I am positively going to scream, ARRRRRRG!"

She couldn't resist. As she grabbed the other mop she pointed out, "Expression of emotion is mentally healthy, too!"

It was amazing how deep her patient's delusional structure went. She hadn't realized Trevor knew how to swear in Greek!"

Suddenly the light dawned. Claire remembered a lecture she had heard. "work with the patient's belief system not against it." So what if Trevor Hale's belief system was a couple of thousand years behind the times? She said, "Trevor the gods aren't doing this to you to punish you. This is a test. How you pass the test will be one of many tests that will determine if you get your powers back."

It was amazing how just the right words can change even the most difficult patient's attitude. Trevor's face lit up and he started mopping with renewed vigor.

Champ came back from the grocery store and his nose told him right away there was a problem in the building and knowing with whom he lived he knew it would be their apartment. He bounded up the stairs two at a time and it was as bad as he thought it would be. The hall carpet would never be the same again.

"Trevor, what did you do!?"

"Oh, yeah! Blame the god! It's always the god's fault!"

"You aren't a god. _You_ are a lunatic and even if you are a god you are STILL a lunatic, maybe even more so."

"Well, maybe I am crazy but I'm _not_ stupid. I'm not the one who has hidden the plunger!"

"What do you mean? It's right there behind the linens."

Cupid lifted a pile of sheets. "**_Under _**them you mean. I am so very sorry but I left my omnipresence in my other body."

Suddenly the toilet went GALOOP and another flood of nasty stuff invaded the room.

"Eyuck! You saw that didn't you? I didn't do that. I didn't-"

Champ calmed down a little bit, "Yes, I saw that."

"Apologize!"

Champ counted to ten and said, "I apologize to the god of Love that I thought he was the cause of the shit flood."

"Thank you Apology accepted. You notice I am not even demanding you apologize for calling me a lunatic and I did notice you didn't too. The things I put up with from mortals!"

Claire said, "While the eternal struggle between man and god goes on amongst the torrents I'm running down and informing the landlord."

"Good idea. This god is going with his therapist. This god surrenders to the mortal. It had to happen and it has! A mortal finally won one. Hasn't happened since Odysseus. I do so hope you feel proud!"

"Hey, who is going to clean up this mess?"

"G A L OOOOOOOOP."

"Champ, it can't be done!"

"I think if we all work together we can save the living room carpet."

"_Now_ who is crazy!"

GALLLOOOOOOOP

Claire beat Trevor to the office while he was still trying to reason with Champ and she was happy it was her because…

"That Lunatic! What did he do? I knew I shouldn't rent to a crazy person!"

Claire shook her head, "Trevor did nothing. He's up there trying to clean it up."

Claire heard him come in the door. "I was. I gave up. Champ hasn't though."

The landlord was ashamed. "You heard that didn't you?"

"Yes. Never mind. I'm getting used to it."

A bit embarrassed the landlord said, "I should apologize. You've always paid your rent on time. I appreciate the extra help you gave me with the yard work when that tree came down last month. Everyone in the building likes you. You are crazy but you are all right."

Trevor was holding back as he often did. He just said, "Thank you." and turned around and left. Claire could tell he was miffed but he wasn't making any kind of a scene. She was relieved. It was that ability to hold his tongue against the abuse he took just for being different and his ability to avoid expressing his anger with violence that was keeping him out of the hospital despite his severely delusional state.

As they climbed the stairs Trevor complained, "Just once I would like to hear someone say to me 'You're all right' with out the obligatory 'your crazy but' in front of it.

"Well Trevor if you would tone it down a little, you might hear that more often."

He gave her a haunted look, "I've been stripped of my powers. You also want me to be stripped of my honesty and vivacious personality?

"No Trevor but look at this way. Superman has a secret identity that allows him to pass for normal on Earth without People either being in too much awe of him or thinking he's delusional. You could do the same thing. You almost ARE doing it but it seems once you get to know someone even a little out it slips, 'you are a god, you are Cupid, you come from Mount Olympus,' and I see how it changes how People act towards you.

He gave her a thoughtful look, "Not always. A lot of People take it in stride."

Amazingly yes: I think it's television doing that to us. Even normal Humans spend several hours a day thinking about fantastic things so when something fantastic walks off the screen some of us cope as if that were normal.

Trevor grinned, "hear that Folks! My beautiful and vivacious, sexy Shrink called me fantastic AND normal!' He started dancing around in the hall. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"But some People just treat you like you are nuts after you tell them."

Trevor stopped dancing and frowned, "well guess what Claire? There are billions of People on Earth. I chose to associate with those who accept me as I am. I'm out of the closet! Besides, he grinned mischievously, "I DO have a secret identity. I pass for a Lunatic who thinks he's Cupid.

Claire's eyes widened, "You don' think you are Cupid?"

"Well of course I think I'm Cupid but that's because I AM Cupid. Letting People think I'm nuts is my secret identity, Lois."

Claire sighed, "Trevor considering you think you are a god and you have no way to prove it of course People think you are nuts."

Trevor grinned mischievously, "Well then, Lois I don't have a whole lot of trouble staying in my secret identity then do I? I don't have to live in fear of it slipping every minute like poor Superman does, do I? I've watched that show. It's killing him. I'm relaxed. I'm the real me but in disguise. Once in a while it bugs me but I'm having fun with it most of the time. I'm comfortable being the lovable, crazy Barkeep at Taggarty's, and people treat me like an adult, year round Santa Claus who brings all sorts of nice gifts for good and naughty Adults. Trevor gave Claire a lecherous grin. "For all you know I was given my powers back months ago, have been watching you and I'm hiding myself so I don't freak out my beloved Psychiatrist and destroy our precious, therapeutic relationship. You can stand me as a Lunatic. You couldn't stand me as a god, at least not yet. That knowledge would destroy you and your knowing would make my folks angry at you." He stared at her mysteriously, "You can never know!""

(Author's note folks go to Wikipedia and read how Cupid hid from Psyche to protect her)

Claire rolled her eyes heavenward.

"That's good Claire, Implore to the Heavens!" We god's like that."

"I was imploring to your competition."

What? Jesus? You think He's the competition? Say His name in Spanish."

Thoughtfully Claire did so, "Hey Zeus." A look of surprise crossed her face.

"Yep, that's my Grand pops!" Trevor grinned. "You Mortals hate one another and fight one another because you think you are worshiping different Gods and abandoning us but you never did and you never will. No matter what crazy lies your minds try to tell you, your hearts won't let you. You are better than you think you are! The tragedy is you haven't realized it and keep bashing one another.

"For instance the Wiccan's think they are worshiping a different God than everyone else. Wrong! Their confusion comes over the fact they are unaware Ancient Mortals used the same word for goat horn and ray of light. If you don't believe me check out Michelangelo's really silly statue of Moses. He got it wrong there too despite half a dozen of us incorporeals trying to get his attention. 'Hey Mickey baby you're doing it wrong!' Trevor frowned, "You Mortals often don't listen very well, present company included! My Grandpa sure doesn't need horns like a goat though he sure can be as stubborn as one! His face glows that's all. One doesn't even have to be a god to have a glowing face. One just has to be spiritually deep. I've seen that same 'little light of mine' on the faces of perfectly Mortal Christians, Native Americans, Buddhists, Jews and the occasional Atheist though I can't figure that last one out myself. Some ancient Pagan had a near death experience, saw my Grandpa and reported back he had horns. He meant horns of light but it got misinterpreted as horns of chitin and now the Witches and the Christians think each is in the enemy's camp. Silly, silly Mortals! You are harming AND killing one another over what is basically an ancient typo!"

What ALL of us need; ALL that we need, both Mortal and Man is that we spread the Love around!

Trevor started quoting, 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails!" Trevor grinned at Claire who was staring at him with bewildered amazement, trying to figure him out. "Corinthians 13:4.-8!" Trevor's face glowed with religious faith and fervor. It was kind of endearing because Claire realized her Divine Lunatic's faith was being aimed in the other direction from god to humanity instead of the usual way around. Then Trevor did a quick soft shoe routine, "You say toMAYto. I say to Mat to. I say Po TAY to. You say Po Ta to. ToMay to. Ta Mat to. Po Tay to. Pot ta to. But it's a wonderful world!"

Claire laughed, "That's not the original lyrics you know!'

Trevor grinned, "I know. Mine are better.

There was no arguing with that.

The painful tragedy and transcending joy of Trevor Hale was he was good at both dancing around the hall and dancing around sanity, not quite leaving its general area the way Schizophrenics often did but never quite touching down on it either! But he danced! He always danced!"

Claire said gently, "Someday I am going to figure out a way to reel you in!'

Trevor gave her a loving, puzzled look, "what?'

"Never mind crazy god. Lets see what the apartment looks like now."

They surveyed the mess. The disaster had ruined the entire living room carpet, the drapes, the walls, and any furniture that had cloth touching the carpet. Champ had given up and was busy pounding on the ruined sofa in frustration.

Trevor gave him a sympathetic and worried look. He would have hugged but he had learned the hard way Champ was not a huggable Male.

The Plumber arrived then. He was a short little guy with a big belly and a fringe of white hair. To Trevor it reminded him of Bacchus, just a lot more sober. He took one look at the apartment and gave one long, low whistle.

Trevor said, "Under this circumstances you should have a siren like a Cop or a fire truck or a Ghost buster. You'd have arrived much quicker!"

I see your point, buddy, but I've never seen THIS happen before on a second story apartment! It can't be tree roots.

Champ asked, "How could this happen?''

Your system is on the main trunk line down. Something is jamming up the main pipe and all the stuff above you can't get down so it is coming out into your apartment.

Champ glared at Trevor. "Trevor what did you flush?"

The fallen god looked at his roommate in disgust that he would be so accused, "Nothing. Why do you always think it is my fault?"

"Because only you would be crazy enough.'"

Trevor exploded, "I am not crazy! At least I'm not that way. I haven't lost my common sense. I never did. I understand plumbing a whole lot better than you Mortals do. After all I was omnipresent and I could see the whole system right through the walls. I've seen pipes back up from wrongly flushed stuff, oh I don't know, I guess I paid attention to it a dozen times or so."

Champ got a thoughtful look on his face, "You couldn't see everything at once?"

"We gods of Olympus have selective omnipresence, not total omnipresence. We can see anything we pay attention too but not what we don't. It was like having a TV set that could get an infinite number of channels. I could watch any one of them, any time, any place, but not all at once."

Champ gave him a skeptical look.

Trevor sighed. "I was a kid, Ok? I was interested in plumbing and electrical wiring and choo choo trains so I poked around. I was curious. Mortals and gods really aren't that different."

The plumber was staring at Trevor. Slowly he started backing away.

Claire gave her Patient a "_see what I mean_?" look."

Trevor ignored her. He wasn't worried about the Plumber's reaction. It was Champ's attitude that concerned him. "Crazy or not I did NOT flush anything down the toilet but the usual you know what and it is bad enough having to do that. I didn't used to have to you know, in my better days."

The plumber was headed out the door,

Claire grabbed him by the arm, "where are you going?"

He gasped, "That Guy in there is crazy, or they both are!"

Claire sighed, "He's harmless and I'm fairly certain he didn't flush anything down the pipes. He's right about that. He knows better. It doesn't matter how he knows, he knows."

"How can you be sure a nut bar like that is safe?"

"I'm his Psychiatrist. He's the most harmless Male I know. I'd trust him before I'd trust you."

"Oh. I guess I should feel sorry for the poor Guy. Completely cracked! What happened?

"We aren't exactly sure. He's not completely cracked. He manages his own affairs and holds down a job."

"But he thinks he is some kind of supernatural being?'

I'm not supposed to talk about a Patient but Trevor makes it unavoidable quite often. He thinks he's Cupid, the god of love. How dangerous is that? He actually is very good at match making. If you know any one who needs such services his intuition is at least as good as the computer dating sites and he works for free, spends hours on it, counsels you in effective meet up techniques and absolutely won't give up until he has found you, your True Love. I'm actually am starting to recommend him sometimes to individuals I prescreen. Now please, go back in there and do something!'

He stared at her and then shook his head in amusement. "Wait until I tell my Wife tonight I rotor rooted the toilet of the gods!"

Suddenly Trevor ran out of his apartment as fast as he could almost knocking them both down and rushed like a bat out of hell for the stairs. There was a wild look in his eyes. "Claire, help me!" he shouted. He sounded terrified.

"What ever are you doing?" Claire screeched, "I had just explaining how harmless you were and you almost knocked us down!"'

"Sorry but hurry!" Trevor yelled as he puffed up the stairs, "Everyone upstairs must be warned not to flush!"

Claire gave the Plumber a _"I told you so_" look and ran up the stairs herself to help. A mischievous idea came to her. She raised her right arm as if she were thrusting out a sword and yelled, "Charge!"

The Plumber just about had a heart attack."

Champ came to the door in time to hear the Plumber imploring HIS idea of Omnipresence, "Blimey! One nut bar thinks he's Cupid. His Shrink thinks she's Teddy Roosevelt!" He stared at Champ. "Who do you think YOU are?"

Champ growled in his best Mr. T imitation, "I think I'm one big angry mud sucker with the plumbing problem from Hell! Get in there and fix it!"

"Well, wait till I get my snake!"

"Snake?"

My plumber's snake! So I can ram out the clog.

"Oh."

The Plumber grabbed a long, steel cable out of his toolbox and headed into the bathroom. He came out a great deal quicker than he went in.

"My god!" he exclaimed.

Champ gave a wry grin and shook his head. No. I think he's upstairs begging everyone not to flush."

"No! Snake!"

"I know. I see. You've got your snake."

"No in there! A REAL snake!"

"What? Champ looked in the bathroom and his lovely, brown skin turned two shades paler. He grabbed the phone, "Hello Nine Eleven We need some one from Animal control here pronto!

The Landlord sat at the six person booth at Ophelia's staring at his two Tenants, one ascending Actor, one descended god, and the god's Psychiatrist." He smiled at them. "It is really nice of you that you don't plan to sue."

Trevor shrugged, "Why should we? You allow gods, or Lunatics, or both. He grinned at Claire with a twinkle in his eyes at that last admission. "Why shouldn't you allow Snakes?"

The landlord explained, "Because the lease you signed didn't say you couldn't keep a god or a Lunatic in your apartment. It did say, "no Pets." But we make allowances for Animals that can be kept in tanks and cages, and I thought a Snake would qualify. The fact it was an eight food Burmese Python named Charley didn't matter. He still lived in a tank, however big, so I let Mrs. Abernathy Snake-sit Charley while her Nephew was away at Camp.

Claire asked, "He's going to be all right?"

The landlord nodded, "Yes. His little adventure in our plumbing system didn't faze him and a Reptile farm in Woodenberg is going to take him until is rightful Human comes back from horseback riding and basket weaving.

Trevor started giggling. "You Mortals! Oh my! We look down in constant amazement and amusement! Now you are keeping snakes as members of your families! You have been one wild ride around the circle of time! Without you life would be purposeless. I thank you from the deepest places in my being for giving us meaning!"

Claire started giggling too and soon even Champ joined in.

The Landlord looked at his dinner Guests and tried to figure out how to handle this turn of conversation. "Ah, well, I do thank you for being understanding, not suing and I apologize that so much of your stuff was ruined. Insurance will pay for everything and in the meantime you can stay rent-free for two months in 316 until your apartment can be repaired.

Trevor groaned, "One more flight of stairs to climb!"

Champ laughed, "And Trevor I want to apologize to you for thinking you did it."

"Apology accepted, Roomy." The god of love beamed and took another bite of baklava.

And Claire said, "I want to apologize to you too Trevor for even making a joke about having you sent back to the hospital. It was just the silliness of the moment. I couldn't resist, but it was really picking on you. No Psychiatrist should do that to a Patient and I am glad you were sane enough to realize I was just kidding."

Trevor shrugged, "No sweat. My mouth is full of Baklava we didn't' have to pay for and we are getting brand new living room furniture, and Charley is getting a vacation. It all worked out."

And he grinned, "But you all do realize something don't you?"

Claire said gently, "What, Trevor?"

Trevor put down his fork, "I am the only one here who has nothing to apologize to anyone far unless it is for almost knocking you down, Claire and that was an accident." Trevor smiled a canary cat grin, "The so called Lunatic is the only one here who acted with perfect propriety."

Champ smiled at his crazy roommate, "You are right about that. And think about this: Myths are not all over with. Myths are being reborn everyday, retold, reworked, merging into one another and splitting outwards again like drops in a spiritual ocean, but they never really change. The immortals never die. They just change names. Odysseus is Captain Kirk. Merlin is Doctor Who. Someday there will be a song or a legend or a TV show about our wonderful adventures, Cupid god of Love, maybe even more than one!"

Champ went into full dramatic Actor's mode. It would have been hard at that moment to tell which of the party was the crazy one.

This mighty day of triumph

Over wild nature

And monstrous Snakes!

Over putrid floods

And odorous torrents

And the pits of despair

That can rip souls to shreds!

And turn friends into foes!

This mighty day of total triumph

Shall be immortalized forever!

Twice Told.

Thrice told

And told again

Ten thousand times

By Mortals

And Immortals alike!

This wondrous day that gods and Mortals stood

Shoulder to shoulder

Heart to heart

And mind to mind

Fought with courage and truth

And love and understanding

And emerged victorious

Against the Stygian Flood!"


End file.
